Laundry

Laundry has always been my “chore”. Not because I like it, but because my husband is a fucking idiot. I don’t know how many times he’s washed pens, or gum, or a damn piece of tissue that breaks into a million pieces and takes two hours to get off a sweater. 

If you think you hate laundry before you have a baby, just wait till after you have a baby.

I have never in my life hated one chore as much as laundry. I rather clean the toilet bowl everyday than do laundry. It is never ever ever ending. 

The first few months after your child is born is horrible. Not only are you doing about 3-4 baby outfits a day, you’re also doing burp clothes, your own clothes from being puked or shit on and let's not forget your other child’s laundry, aka hubby.

I remember my tits leaking on everything, or bleeding out of your vagina like a defrosted chicken; the amount of laundry is un-measureable.

Oh let’s not forget you can’t mix the baby stuff with your stuff because they have to have “special laundry detergent”. Yeah screw that I stopped that real quick.

Just wait, it gets better when you’re potty training. Two times a day I was doing laundry. I couldn’t just let a pair of pants and underwear sit there when they’re soiled in shit or piss. Or can i? The amount of soiled underwear my poor washer has seen has me wishing I would’ve bought the extended warranty.

Don’t forget the extra clothes you have to bring to daycare, and then bring back to wash again just to bring them back to school the next day. Then you bring them home again, wash them and bring them back. My eyes are literally going crossed eyed writing this damn paragraph. 

Somehow, it also seems that my husband’s amount of clothing grew with my sons. How the hell did this happen? 

Here’s what laundry looked like before baby:

1. Open your drawer and notice you’re down to two pairs of underwear. 

2. You walk over to the hamper and notice its full. That’s ok you haven’t done laundry in a week.

3. You throw all the clothes in the washer (after you separate them of course).

4. You go sit down and watch your favorite tv show for an hour until you hear the buzzer go off.

5. Put the clothes in the dryer.

6. Watch another tv show.

7. Take the clothes out, fold them and put them away

8. Repeat steps 1-8 weekly.

Here’s what laundry looks like in our house now, post baby:

1. Go to grab a pair of underwear after you get out of the shower. Can’t find a pair in your drawer. You see one lying on the ground. “Hey it must of fallen out of my drawer, maybe?You sniff it, shrug and put them on. 

2. Look for a shirt to match your kid’s pants, can’t find one. You send them to school mismatched. What the hell it doesn’t matter he’ll spill something on his shirt at school and end up mismatched anyways.

3, Husband comes home to prep his clothes for the next morning and can’t find a single pair of socks (out of like 40 socks, seriously why the hell do men have so many socks) and none can be found.

4. At 8:30 at night, you work up the energy to throw a load of laundry in the washing machine.

5. By 9:24 you’re asleep. Drooling on yourself, you can’t wait up for the laundry anymore.

6. At 5:35 am, your husband wakes you up. He asks you where you put the socks you washed the night before. You roll your eyes realizing its' still sitting in the washing machine, it never made it to the dryer.

7. Husband, annoyingly and bitchingly, wears a dirty pair of socks.

8. 9:00am, you wash the load of laundry sitting in the washer one more time cause it has that “funky” smell.

9. 11:00am, you realize “oh shit I forgot the laundry again” and finally switch it over. 

10. 2 days later, you realize you need to do more laundry and remove the laundry from 2 days ago from the dryer to the spare bed to fold (yeah the fuck right, its not getting folded).

11. Repeat steps 1-10 again, while laundry piles up on the spare bed until your mother in law comes over and folds it for you.

Just writing this I look back at the “before” baby and realize, what the hell did I do with all my time? Laundry before baby wasn’t so bad, but after baby…needless to say, LAUNDRY BLOWS.

(The bed my laundry sits on forever till its folded, LMAO)