Birth

This section is graphic, viewer discretion is advised (I promised mommy truths)

2:47am – You look at the clock. You literally roll out of bed, waddle over to the bathroom and pee. This is your fourth time within the last 2 hours. You are exhausted, huge, and ready for this baby to come out.

You crawl back into bed. It’s in the middle of winter, you are just in your underwear and have a sheet on. You stare at your husband who is in flannel pjs, a heavy blanket and a comforter. How is he SO bundled up? It is HOT in here.

As you’re lying in bed, your mind wanders, thinking about what’s going to happen. Is my water going to break in bed? If it does that might really suck, cause then it might ruin the sheets and the mattress. But if it does break, will I have contractions right away? Will I have time to clean the mattress and the mess or will I have to go to the hospital right away? That will suck to ruin my mattress. I hope it doesn’t happen in bed.

On the other hand, it would suck to happen out in public, my water exploding like I just peed myself. What if I am alone? Who would drive me? Would my husband get to me in time?

You look at the clock again, it’s now 3:38 and you have to pee again. Great another sleepless night. Welcome to your future!

For most moms, the sleepless nights and lack of sleep begin before the baby is born. When Hailey was pregnant she use to always complain how she could never sleep during her pregnancy. I use to warn her to try to get as much sleep as possible while she could because it only got worse when the baby came. But as most pregnant women do, the lack of sleep begins around the end of the 2^nd trimester.

I hated my husband for being able to sleep during my pregnancy. Some nights I wanted to purposely wake him up, or be loud on my way to the bathroom -  just so he could experience what I was experiencing. Not only was I exhausted, but I was so uncomfortable and so stressed out about the birth. I could accidentally elbow him in the face and pretend I was asleep and wake him up right? No that would be rude, but so is him getting sleep and me not sleeping, after all he did knock me up.

Worrying about birth seemed to be a constant thought on my mind. For the majority of women, we worry about our water breaking, even though that is one of the least likely scenarios. My doctor constantly reminded me that as a first time mom, my most likely scenario was that I would go past my due date.

WHAT?! Is that a joke? Are you fucking kidding me? Did I do something wrong in my life to go past my due date? 40 weeks is long enough, this is like torture.

Paul and I took birthing classes at a local hospital. Well let me rephrase that, we started to take birthing classes, till we realized they are completely useless. Who remembers that shit when they’re in the middle of pushing a large baby out of your vagina? I can see it now, Paul saying “Peyton breath, breath” and me replying “Shut the fuck up or I will seriously ask them to escort you out of the hospital you crazy asshole”

I did take away one key thing from this class that I didn’t realize till after I gave birth myself. Everything in this class was focused on what to do before and during birth. Nothing actually focused on what Stella and I struggled with the most, what happened after the birth.

It’s hard to talk about birth without a birth story so it’s only natural to share mine. Two days before my due date, on mother’s day, naturally, we had been walking around the mall for 3 hours. For a week now, we had been doing everything in the book to trigger my labor, I mean everything from eating pineapple to making my husband repeatedly have sex with me over and over, anything to get that damn baby out.

So we go out to dinner, with my mother in law who has come into town. On the way home I start having contractions, thinking nothing of it, we go to bed. At around 1 in the morning we head to the hospital, in which they force me to continue to walk around the hospital to dilate more. Like I really need to walk more?  I am exhausted and as a big as a bus, my body aches, I have been up for 18 hours now, I don’t want to walk anymore. Someone just push me around in a wheelchair and let’s call it good.

At around 4 am they admit me, and at around 5am they give me an epidural. Here’s the thing ladies, GET AN EPIDURAL. I will tell you what my doctor told me when I questioned getting it. We know you can do it, why try to be a hero, get one. You’ll be exhausted after birth, and then on top of that you have to raise a human being, why set yourself up like that. Get an epidural!!!!!

Well, after 23 hours, I still hadn’t progressed and was at 4cms dilated (are you kidding me?). At this time I didn’t care how the baby came out. They could’ve pulled him out through my asshole at this point, just get that baby out of me. Finally the doctor broke my water, and I shit you not, within 30 mins I dilated 6 cms. I seriously wanted to kick the doctor in the nuts for not doing it sooner, but I couldn’t exactly kick anyone since I was numb from the waist down. So I mentally kicked him in the nuts (not as good by the way).

So at 23 hours I started pushing, and pushing, and pushing. Pushing sooooooo hard, that I started to get the biggest hemorrhoids of my entire life. My ass was hurting so bad I could feel it through my epidural. Every time I pushed I got a shot of pain from my ass. I had to beg the nurse for more pain medication, nothing hurt more than my hemorrhoids at that point.

Two hours and 30 minutes later, the nurses tell me that if I push for 30 more minutes they reach their max and we have to do a c section. Damn it. 28 hours into a vaginal birth and they’re going to cut my stomach open and take him out. Screw you, you could’ve done this 20 hours earlier and saved me 8 hours of sleep you lazy bitches.  This is when I notice my doctor sitting between my legs with a scalpel.

“What is that?!” I ask him. “Well, I am trying to decide on whether to give you an episiotomy or not. The thing is if I give you one and we decide to do a c section, I’ve now cut you for no reason”. So for those who don’t know what an episiotomy is it’s when they cut you from the vagina to the butt to allow room for the baby’s head to come through. The majority of the time a women tears, a doctor chooses to cut to prevent tearing because tearing is more painful and takes longer to heal vs. cutting.

So now I’m freaking out. To tear or not to tear, he’s trying to commit. I’m determined as hell at this point to push this baby out of my vagina; I’ve come all this way!!!

Two hours and 45 mins and an episiotomy later, 15 minutes short of the deadline of a c section, my son was delivered, vaginally. My vagina and ass hurt so bad.

I lay there after my son is born, holding him, my legs spread out as my doctor is repairing my episiotomy. A portion of it not numbed and as he stitches into it, I could feel it and scream out. Here comes more numbing shots. A nurse comes around with some painkillers and some water and says to me “You’re going to be needing this” and truer words had never been spoken.

So what do those what to expect books not tell you?

First off, they do not tell you how bad hemorrhoids can be.  Pushing for almost three hours can cause terrible hemorrhoids. I had such angry hemorrhoids if I peed and pee got on my hemorrhoids it would hurt so bad.

The nurses had to give me a stool softener so I could poop. The idea of pooping brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t poop for days and when I did, I would poop out like popcorn kernels and it would take hours just so it wouldn’t be painful (thank god for the stool softener).

While in the hospital, I could barely get out of bed and get myself to the bathroom and back I was in so much after pain. I couldn’t do it without my husband or a nurse.

I was bleeding so heavily from the after birth; it was like the previous 9 months of no period came back full force all at the same time. I was going through 2 double pads of supers, because no one tells you you can’t wear tampons right after you have a baby.

So here are actually tips of advice I’ve given Hailey and some family members if you do a vaginal, especially if you have hemorrhoids:

Ask the hospital for supplies when you leave there. Take what you can, your insurance is going to cover it anyways. Do not buy anything outside the hospital. This also saves you a trip afterwords. Some things to take:

o   Hospital underwear:  Even though they’re ugly, they served a purpose. Grab as many as you can and ruin those instead of your own. You’ll be bleeding heavily for a while so might as well take theirs.

o   Squirt bottle: If you’ve had an episiotomy, you have to clean your stitches after every time you use the restroom. My hospital provided me with a squirt bottle, take that with you.

o   Anti-itch/anti-burn spray: If you have hemorrhoids or stitches, the hospital will give you an anti-itch or anti-burn spray for them to use after you’ve gone to the bathroom, ask for that and another bottle.

o   Witch hazel pads (tucks pads): Grab a few things of witch hazel pads if you have hemorrhoids. They are extremely refreshing on your bum and can be incredibly expensive at the pharmacy.  Tuck one in between your butt checks after you go to the bathroom and it will give you some relief.

o   Nice cloth pee protective pad: In your hospital bed, you’ll be sitting on a nice cloth pee protective pad. It’s similar to a dog’s one but it’ll be a nice cloth one. Ask to bring one home. I used mine on the bed and on the sofa so if I did leak I didn’t ruin my bed or sofa (and yes I did leak and was thankful for it).

Drink plenty of fluids: Remember taking care of yourself is key you have to drink to keep up with your baby.

While on pain meds keep up your sugar level: So it took me two days to realize why I kept getting light headed and nausea and my mother in law reminded me that I was on painkillers that I needed to keep my blood sugar level up. So after ensuring I had orange juice in the house, I was back on track. If you’re on pain medication after birth and are experiencing these symptoms try orange juice or something else high in sugar.

So you might notice a trend that going to the bathroom after birth is labor intensive, and yes it is. I hated it and I hated going to the bathroom in a public setting. This is why the after birth part was extremely annoying. If you have a loved one helping you out, kick them in the ass and get them to do as much moving around after the birth as possible so you can sit on your ass and heal. Birth is a traumatic experience to the body and I wish more people would talk about the “after” part and not just the during.