Conceiving

For a lot of parents, conceiving isn’t planned at all. For the average person, it happens like this (or something similar, play along).

You are sitting in the car on your way to work, if you’re lucky enough to even have a job. You’re listening to your favorite song on the radio, singing along, blasting full volume, head banging, hands tapping on the steering wheel “doooooooooon’t stop believing, hold on this this FEEEEEEL….OH SHIT!” and then that feeling hits you. You’ve realized you’re like a week late. You take an immediate detour to the pharmacy, pick up a pregnancy test, usually the most inexpensive one and rush to work.

You try to stuff the pregnancy test in your purse. You realize the pregnancy test is too big for your purse. So you somehow conceal it in your shirt and you manage your way to the bathroom.

You rip open the box. The contents fall on the ground, shit, the person in the stall next to you probably saw what you are doing. It’s probably Stacy from accounting, the nosey bitch that will probably pretend to wash her hands for 5 mins to see who exits the stall.

After you manage to find the directions, you read them. Yes, pregnancy tests aren’t hard to follow, but you want to make sure you don’t screw this up.

You pull down your pants; get setup, because you realize this is really hard, squatting and peeing on a stick. So you’re all propped up in the perfect position and realize, damn it, you don’t have to pee.

Now what? You pack everything up, head to the water cooler and throw back about 5 cups of water to get the juices flowing. This is when you run into Stacy, damn Stacy. As if your day couldn’t get any worse. 

Yup, that’s how you find out you're pregnant.

For my husband and me, we planned our son. If I knew then what I knew now I would’ve let that shit happen naturally, but I guess we all learn from our past, ha!

I had the mirena IUD. For those who don’t know what it is, I’ll sum it up real short; it’s a plastic device your doctor inserts in your uterus that prevents you from getting pregnant for 5 years without having to take a pill.

In order for us to get pregnant, I had to go get it removed. I went in July to get it out. My doctor said we can begin trying immediately, woo!

This is the fun part right? This is where you get to practice, have tons of sex. Your husband has so much fun getting to “make love” to you over and over and you get to never have a headache or any other excuse. It’s like your honeymoon every day. NOT!!!!!!!!!

This is where your vagina is so sore, his penis looks and feels like sandpaper. He’s raw, you’re raw. You’re both at this point just doing the motions and you walk like you have a stick up your ass. This is not fun at all! After so many times of making it hot and spicy, you both just hurry things up so you could lie with your legs propped up while he goes and takes a shit.

That was our July. As August came, so did a negative pregnancy test. I dreaded August, I had to do this again? I’m pretty sure my vagina was going to shrivel up and put a perm “do not enter” sign outside of it. I was afraid that my asshole was going to start to market for attention.

My husband had a work trip to go to in August. I decided to break out the ovulation kits, the temperature taking, the whole caboodle; so I could speed this process up and because we had a short window of opportunity to get pregnant this month, I was going to do it right.

After week one, I asked myself “WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? This is a lot of work!” We had two days, two days to get this right, and such pressure! We both decided if it was going to happen, it was going to happen, or not.

He came home that first night and we made a joke our short time-frame. We went into the bedroom and did our thing. I told him I read somewhere that if I wanted to be guaranteed to conceive I had to stand on my head and he had to hold my legs. We both looked at each other, shrugged and walked into the living room. I grabbed a pillow off the couch, put it on the floor, knelt down, placed my head on it and I shit you not did he hold my legs up in the air while I stood on my head for 5 mins. 

Well, September came along with a big ole POSITIVE pregnancy test. I will swear by the standing on the head wives tale till the day I die.

Anyone who says conceiving is fun is out of their damn mind. I’ve had conversations with Stella about cervical fluid detection, cervix position and all kinds of shit. Really made me want to try again, not. But I guess if I didn’t have a kid and wanted to, I probably would go to any extent possible to have a kid, On the other hand it’s easier to say I wouldn’t because I have a kid. Just adopt, leave this shit to amateurs.